Dexter quickly captured our hearts and imaginations with his serial-killing antics and quips about how gosh-darn confusing the emotions of normal folks are. After four seasons of delightful adventures, 5 life lessons can be learned from Dexter and friends. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation to one of these characters, here are a few things to remember!
1. Cops should never, ever date. Ever.If you are a cop, then you are obviously a workaholic who becomes consumed by each and every homicide mission that comes your way. You will beg for overtime, and it’s not for that useless money, it’s FOR THE JOB! You will work even when you’re off the clock. And if anyone tries to take you off the case that you have fucking bled for, then you will persevere and continue your dedicated ways. If you have managed to land a date despite the fact that you almost are never seen outside of the office and you never think about anything besides your current case, congratulations, you are dating:
a) A serial killer.
b) The relative of a serial killer who also happens to be a murderer because he/she still believes in their serial killin’ relative.
c) Another cop who you never had any sexual chemistry with prior to the first scene that reveals your relationship to the viewers.
e) A psychopath who tries to kill Rita.
2. Serial killers are the luckiest mofos alive
If you are a serial killer like Dexter, then you must be aware of the fact that your shenanigans are always the cause for near-capture or the big reveal of your deep, dark secrets. You must also be aware of the fact that you always come out on top because everyone around you turns into a total fucktard at convenient times. If someone is about to discover your secret/reveal your secret:
a) The dead body you left behind will fucking disappear somehow, and miraculously you will be able to return to the scene of the crime and clean up your mess even though you got interrupted 14 million times by people being annoying asshats (“Dexter, pick up medicine for the baby.” “Dexter, even though you are totally weird and we are not that close, I am in dire need of relationship advice from you. Let me stop you from whatever task it is that you are desperately trying to complete.”)
b) It was obviously the doing of The Ice Truck Killer/Trinity/some other dude.
c) The person about to discover and/or reveal the secret will die. Maybe Dexter or somebody else will kill them. Maybe this guy is named Dokes, and maybe a there will be a fire that he will die in. Maybe he will even be blamed for your crimes. And people will be sad about this for like 5 minutes, it’s totally cool, I promise.
3. If you have tension with a guy who is secretly a serial killer, watch your goddamn back.No but seriously, tread very very carefully here. Now, the problem here is that if this guy is the lucky mofo that Dexter Law dictates, then chances are this is going to be a tough one. I guess just be nice to every single person on this planet just in case, otherwise this is what you have to look forward to:
a) You are the only person that has any observational skills and manages to figure out that the creepy dude you work with is pretty creepy. Everyone else in the world will give you a hard time for being so intuitive and on the money, but don’t worry in the end you totally come out on top and prove to the world that you’re a hero! Just kidding, you actually end up dying and people think you’re a serial killer. Guess the joke’s on you.
b) You will die.
c) You will offer him tickets to a sporting game in order to relieve some of the tension. He will give these tickets away and turn you into a whiny little bitch about it.
d) Did I mention you’ll probably die?
4. Dating a serial killer (who lives by a code) has its perks. But also one fatal flaw.
Let’s face it, even though Rita may not know about half the romantically evil things Dexter does for her, she still reaps the benefits. So ladies, here’s a few things you can look forward to if you land that do-gooder, serial-killin’ lad:
a) If you have a creepy ex-husband who starts to harass you and your kids, Dexter will…take care of him.
b) If your aforementioned creepy ex-husband was really abusive to you and made you want to swear off sex for awhile, have no fear, sexless serial killer is here! He will take things slow because he couldn’t give two shits about putting his man-junk in your lady-bits.
c) He will be really great with your kids. Also, he really really despises people who fuck with kids, so BONUS.
d) Unfortunately, with great perks comes great tragedy. You will probably end up dead because your boyfriend didn’t kill the bad guy in time. We can’t win ‘em all.
5. Everyone you know, love and/or trust is probably a serial killer in disguise. Only one out of all of these people will be an honorable serial killer who only kills the baddies.Dexter drives home the point that, not only can you not trust strangers, but you can’t trust the people you let into your house on a regular basis. Not even Jon Lithgow is sacred. Some examples of these earth shattering revelations are:
a) Your fiancé turns out to be a serial killer of the non-code-abiding variety.
b) This one is too depressing to write about. Let’s just hope the Dexters of this world take care of that shit.