Starting this Sunday night, cancel your plans, set your DVR, and stock up on your favorite snacks because Shark Week is almost upon us. I can already hear the distant melody of the Jaws theme. It’s softly playing in a non-threatening, magical sort of way.
The promos this year are epically accurate and definitely inspiring. The only way people will see me during new shark-filled specials is if they are practicing members of this religion or willing to convert. We of the Shark Week community welcome people of all walks of life with open arms—granted they are ready to open their hearts and minds to the Discovery channel as our savior.
Whether this is your first time experiencing Shark Week or you are a seasoned pro, here a few important things you need to remember in order to make the most of your Shark Week:
- Ephesians 12:42:
Shark Week is a time of giving. A shark in need is a shark indeed. Don’t hesitate to welcome a shark into your home for he will surely appreciate the kindness of delcicious human strangers.
- Proverbs 56:12: If your friend does not have a high-def television and you do, you shall extend the invitation to your friend to watch Shark Week on your totally awesome TV, for sharks are best viewed on gigantic HD TVs.
- Leviticus 100:2: A scheduling conflict between a Shark Week special and one of your family members’ totally lame shows will probably occur because of the amount of times you have the DVR set to record on Discovery. In the event this happens, quickly cancel the recording your family member has set. Though this is a time of giving, Shark Week obviously takes precedence over Leverage or Royal Pains.
- Psalms 6000:21: Thou shall not let any bullshit bring you down. Your boyfriend breaks up with you? So what, it’s Shark Week. Your cat poops in your new pair of shoes? Mourn not, for it is Shark Week. Your boss fires you because you took an entire week of work off? Fear not, nor be afraid, for you will soon be watching shows where people get eaten alive by sharks, thus proving your life is not that bad in comparison.
I don’t really remember what my life was like before I discovered Shark Week, but it was probably empty and devoid of meaning. There’s just something about this celebration of these incredible and terrifying creatures that many of us can’t get enough of. All I know is come Sunday night something fascinating and horrifying will be constantly playing in my living room for a week and anybody who gets in the way of that will probably be punched in the face. I just hope everyone out there gets to experience this kind of joy as well, and I really hope nobody is unlucky enough to be away on vacation this week, yeesh.
I’ll leave you with this final reminder: if you see a shark in a river, shit is about to get totally fucked. Have a happy Shark Week everyone!