5 Perceptions I have About the World that are Really Stupid

We all are guilty of getting bizarre notions in our head about the world around us. Superstitions, for example, make little to no sense, but some people still think breaking mirrors, walking under ladders, Friday the 13th, and other weird shit are actually indicators of bad luck. I bring to you today some of my own perceptions that, once examined, I realized were really fucking stupid. 

    1. Life is a Disney movie, and if I ever came across some sort of animal in the wild, we would make intense eye-contact and realize we had a deep connection to one another. I truly believe that all animals will recognize my love for them and instinctively know I am not the enemy, thus they will bestow upon me their trust, cleaning abilities, and musical skills. Well, maybe I don’t believe all of that, but I definitely believe after realizing our Deep Soul Connection, a bear would refrain from mauling my face off. Or a dolphin would swim me to safety in the off-chance I’m ever on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it turns out to be the Titanic. I shit you not, deep down I actually believe this crap in a really sad and emotional sort of way. The way that makes your eyes well up with tears because you’re so moved. Logical Me can’t handle this bull shit, but Emotional Me is really this retarded.


  • If everyone were like me, the world would be a better place. My logic? Everyone would be too busy watching Supernatural and 30 Rock to care about fighting wars or being criminals. Also, awesome shows wouldn’t get cancelled before their time. Shows like Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, Running Wilde, etc would stay on the air as long as we, the people, fucking wanted. Everyone knows that all wars have started because of the deep, burning anger that people felt after these shows were cancelled.

    People would eat, read, create, watch television and movies, go to the gym, drink and day dream a lot and not give enough of a shit to fight to the death about gay marriage, abortion rights, or unions because we’d all just be like, “As long as we’re not raping animals or babies, let it be. Chill. Grey’s Anatomy is on and our arguing abilities are better spent on whether or not Lexie should be with Mark or Avery I JUST CAN’T CHOOSE! We need a roundtable discussion, effective immediately!” Everything would be sunshine and rainbows and strawberry milkshakes!

    The problem with this is that everyone would be directionally challenged, really lazy, depressed, sarcastic, and bitchy all the time as well. And not know how to operate cameras or actually create an awesome television program. Actually, I’m not sure if I wish everyone just had my attitude but still possessed their own skill base…see, the logic of this whole thing is flawed. But I really do wish everyone could just mostly agree politically, stop committing crimes, be nice to each other and just argue about how homoerotic Supernatural really is.


  • Life should absolutely be like a book/movie/television show and we’d all be happier for it. The logic here is that everyone is always whining about how these mediums skew our perceptions of love, romance, friendships, family etc, but if all our perceptions were really that skewed; wouldn’t we all be trying to live out movie-esque scenarios in real life? Wouldn’t guys think that they had to hold boomboxes over their heads or fight off some sort of bully to win the girl? I feel like it’s always girls that people accuse of being fucked up because of love in movies. But you know what, I think we should just embrace the movie life and all attempt to give really eloquent speeches to one another, to super nice things to prove our adoration for someone else whether it be for romance or friendship, be wildly in sync with and close to our best friends, and have really moving moments where family secrets are revealed and wounds are healed. Let’s live life like actors in a movie and try to have perfect moments and great stories! I write my own lines all the time, it’s just depressing when no one else seems is playing along. Then I realize that if people gave monologues in real life like in movies, we’d all probably want to punch everyone in the face way more than usual. If my family tried to heal emotional wounds with me, I’d probably start laughing or roll my eyes and go back to playing Zoomumba on the internet. Living life like you’re in a movie is actually exhausting. Zoomumba takes way less energy.


  • You can gain 10 pounds in one day. You actually can’t. I’m almost positive you can’t. But I still believe you can. I’m retarded.


  • A zombie apocalypse would be the greatest thing ever, and I would be a total badass. Okay, part of me seems to fervently believe that since I watch/read The Walking Dead, saw Zombieland, Shawn of the Dead, A British mini-series about zombies, 28 Days Later, part of Dawn of the Dead or something, and watched my brother play some zombie video games, that my credentials for fighting in the zombie apocalypse are sufficient. I think I would be violent, badass, suck it up and do what needs to be done to survive, and also find a group of people to adventure with.

    But listen. I am scared of worms. I am fucking terrified of worms. How could someone who is terrified of fucking worms fight zombies? Somehow in my mind I am less afraid of zombies than worms, but then again I’ve never actually seen a zombie, so maybe I’m just not scared of imaginary zombies. Who knows. Basically, my point is that I sing to myself when I go downstairs to get a glass of water and no one else is awake, I get scared sometimes when Roommate isn’t in the room and I start thinking about the movie preview for The Strangers that came out years ago. YEARS AGO!!! I AM SCARED OF PREVIEWS OF MOVIES THAT CAME OUT YEARS AGO!!! I have no idea why I want to fight zombies. It makes no god damned sense.




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