Tomorrow I am journeying with Boyfriend to his lake house. While this sounds like a magical and romantic endeavor, I am wisely preparing for the very likely event of a Super Killer Attack. These people are more than serial killers–they’re that extra mile of crazy. For purposes of this post, though, I will simply refer to them as serial killers because I can’t think of another way to describe a Leatherface or Scientist from The Human Centipede. This is easy for me to do as I have a deep and extensive knowledge of horror movies, though I have only ever watched a grand total of 2-3. The power of the internet gives me the ability not to pirate these films but to watch them on Wikipedia.
Every horror movie ever made can’t be completely pulled out of thin air. There must be murderous people that target the young and/or vacationing (Hostel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Scream, etc). (Side note: I just realized that sounds like an awesome name for a soap opera. It’s not a blatent rip-off of The Young and the Restless because there’s the “and/or” part of the title.) That is why I must prepare myself thoroughly for my trip to the lake house—which is also the name of that shitty Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves movie that I fucking hated. The possibility of any of the events in that movie occurring at this lake house may terrify me more than any of the other shit I’m currently writing about. If any of these horror movies has any grounds in reality, then my hints and tips for surviving these sort of horrific events will be of use to many a young or vacationing.
One movie that has haunted me for awhile now was said to be based on a true story. The Strangers. That alone was enough to convince me that there were people who wanted to come into my home on any given night and cause me harm for no discernable reason. Now, that being said, I am now fully aware that The Strangers was so loosely based on a true story that it was actually just something the director completely made up because sometimes robbers knock on people’s doors to see if they’re home before breaking into their homes to steal shit. The director imagined the opposite of this—what if people knock on doors and then break in only when people are home so they can torment the people dwelling inside for absolutely no reason. This would be like me writing a fantasy novel about a group of dwarves and elves that draw their powers from an extraordinarily rare type of salami. At first these dwarves and elves can’t reconcile their differences and allow both parties to consume said salami, but in the end they realize that they have to band together to fight some sort of sea creature and must share the salami in order to achieve success. This is based on true events because once I was eating salami, refused to share it with my father, and then realized that I would rather share it with him than my brother, so we reconciled our differences, shared the salami, and refused to let my brother have any. The sea creature part is where it gets fictional, but really the whole thing is some sort of moving allegory about fathers and daughters bonding over salami. But I digress, The Strangers writer/director is a lying liar who eats sugar coated lies-a-rific cereal for breakfast.
*I should note that this post only applies to evil humans, not possessed persons, crazy tooth fairy demon things, dolls that have the soul of a serial killer inside of them, zombies, girls who come out of video tapes, ghosts, boogie-men or women, vampires, gremlins, leprechauns, Furbys, etc.
Tip # 1: Corners can be your friend!
In The Strangers, the two main characters often thought it was a good idea to go running out in open spaces where The Strangers who were tormenting them could very easy sneak up behind them. In fact, these people were so often taken by surprise that it finally led to them getting brutally stabbed a super lot of times. Do you want to get brutally stabbed a super lot of times? That’s what I thought, so listen up, don’t fear the corner. Grab a knife or seven, wait patiently until the psychopath comes to you, then stab the ever-loving shit out of him or her when they finally sniff you out. If you have a gun and a somewhat hidden position, you are golden. The ONLY time in this movie that those two poor vacationing souls almost survived was when they hid in a room with a shotgun and waited to shoot anyone that walked by. Unfortunately because it’s a movie, the only person they managed to shoot was the guys BFF who was coming to check in on them. Then for some reason they abandoned post and failed to shoot any of the actual Strangers.
Here’s what we can learn from these fine folks, DON’T ABANDON POST EVEN IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT YOU SHOOT YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE FACE WITH A SHOTGUN! These are troubled times, but if you want to survive you can mourn the loss of your friend later. He should have seen one of the Strangers sitting on the porch when he came inside the house, but he didn’t, so his head got blown up. This leads me to tip #2
Tip #2: Be aware of your surroundings!
Take a minute to look behind you if you have not yet found a corner. Corners give you the advantage of not getting attacked from behind and having your spine stabbed or something crippling. Yes you may be less likely to run away, but when has running away ever ever ever accomplished anything in a horror movie except for that one girl at the end of Texas Chainsaw Massacre? If you are That One Girl, that’s great for you, but if you are Everyone Else In A Horror Film Ever, running away is a huge fail of fail. There is always another asshole waiting in the shadows for you, just waiting to put you back in your cage or your lake house or their creepy dungeon basement. Or somehow the bad guy will just appear without the help of a psychotic assistant.
Never turn your back to a door because with your poor luck the killer is behind it.
If you are running through a forest be aware that there will definitely be a tree root that you trip over. It’s prime stabbing time.
If the motel you are going to stay at looks really sketchy and creepy and like there is even a remote chance they make snuff films there, just keep driving, I don’t care how tired you are.
If anyone offers you a beverage and you have never met this person before and they are offering you shelter for the night or something, don’t take the beverage and maybe don’t even stay there if you have any sort of other option. Tell them you know about the film The Human Centipede, if they have a soul they will certainly understand and be impressed with your self-preservation and cultural awareness. However, if they insist, run. If they chase you, clearly they are fucked up and trying to perform terrifying experiments on you. Because you have not taken the beverage, you are not drugged and actually have a fighting chance.
Tip #3: Tell as many people as possible where you will be and create some sort of color based system indicating the danger level of your location.
I believe a code red would be a desert where a nuclear bomb testing site was. There is almost sure to be a colony of mutants who want to rape everything in sight living in one of these locations. There will definitely be no cell service and your car will undoubtedly break down here. The Hills Have Eyes was based on a true story because nuclear testing sites exist and radioactive shit is dangerous to people living around it. If you are going to a desert area, just be safe and tell fucking everyone who gives somewhat of a damn about you where you will be and if your cell is not picking up, call the police immediately. Tell them to bring reinforcements because these mutants are not fucking around. They want to rape the rapity rape out of you and everyone with you. Or your arm might get stuck in a rock, but that’s a whole different kind of horror movie that is just because you are crazy and didn’t leave a note before you went on a dangerous hike. The dude James Franco played in 127 Hours is really lucky he only lost an arm and wasn’t captured by mutants, for serious.
A code orange would definitely be my situation now. I am young. I am going on a vacation with my boyfriend. We are ripe for the killin. Does my family know where I’m going? Hell yes. Does his family know where we’re going? You betcha. Do a ton of my friends know? Check. If my phone consistently goes to voicemail they better get with the calling of the cops.
Tip #4: Time is your friend
I’ve done extensive research on this topic, and my studies have shown me that indeed the book is true, everybody does poop. Unfortunately, this book did not include a picture of a Leatherface with the fun fact that even he has to poop. If you are waiting patiently in your corner, there’s the chance that your tormenter forgot to take his lactaid pills earlier in the day or drank way too much coffee to prepare for the killings. Here’s the thing, you’ll have been so frightened that you probably already covered all the bases in terms of bodily functions, so you’re good to go. Hide for as long as you can and eventually something’s gotta give.
For example, because I told as many people as possible, there’s a chance someone will call reinforcements! Or, in my case, Boyfriend’s parents are coming to spend a day with us. Even if they find us dead, at least they will know to avenge us in hopefully The Last House on the Left fashion.
Tip #5: If there is a power outage, arm yourself with an irresponsible amount of artillery. Or knives. Lots of fucking knives.
This one should be a given, but if there’s a power outage, don’t just be like, “Oh hey, I bet some mice just went to town on those wires! Lemme just grab a dying flashlight and leave you here, friends and/or significant other who is much weaker than I.” No. Go together, and grab weapons. There is clearly a killer on the loose. I don’t care if it’s a thunderstorm and there’s actually a chance of an accidental problem with the electric.
Really, it all begins with that power outage, so if you manage to apply everything you learned about, this is your moment to shine and go from the hunted to the hunter.
Oh my god. What if I made a horror movie where a serial killer went after another serial killer who was just going to his lake house for a weekend retreat? With his girlfriend who had no idea he was a serial killer. And then during the whole Serial Killer Vs. Serial Killer shebang, she discovers he’s crazy, and then he murders her and shit is just really fucked up. Oh my god. I have to end this post here so I can begin work on the twistiest most twisted horror movie ever.