The Conversation about Twilight I Wish I Hadn’t Overheard on the Bus

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I no longer have to even consider the very remote possibility of seeing Twilight: Breaking Bad Dawn, because on the bus today, I overheard two terrific young ladies discussing the film as well as the books. Now, if they’d been talking about the latest episode of Supernatural or Grimm, both of which I still haven’t gotten around to watching because catching up on Happy Endings has been taking over my life, I would have turned my music up really loud or moved to another seat. However, because I’m fascinated by foreign cultures such as Twilightians, I decided to hone my cultural awareness skills and listen in. Here’s what I learned:

1)  Some think that not enough happened in this film, while others think too much happened too quickly.

What the Twilightians had to say

“See, I thought quite a bit happened but too quickly. Jacob runs away, joins the army, gets married, takes his shirt off, comes back, runs away again, learns how to take a tequila shot like a man, Bella’s pregnant, whines a lot, almost dies, whines a lot, has the baby…” Strikethroughs are for parts of the long list of events that I’m not sure I remember hearing correctly, but that I also feel are safe assumptions.

What I learned

I don’t give a shit about any of these events except for the one I may or may not have made up about Jacob learning to take tequila shots. Now that would be a story-line worth pursuing.

2)  There is a lot of debate about whether or not Kristin Stewart lost weight for some of the movie…or if it was all CGI.

What the Twilightians had to say

“She looked horrific. I don’t know if they made her lose weight for the movie or if it was all CGI.”

“Kristin Stewart’s already quite skinny.”

“I know. She looked horrid. I bet it’s all CGI, though, she doesn’t look that skinny in real life. The whole thing was really creepy.”

What I learned

I’m not sure if this argument is really as idiotic as it sounded to me. Maybe I’m unreasonably scoffing about the use of CGI to make Stewart look incredibly gaunt rather than the expert use of makeup. So, like a good blogger, I googled the shit out of this question and found a lot of really really useless information. For instance, apparently CGI will be used in the next film to rapidly age the vampire baby.

Thanks to this article, I actually learned that skin and water are the hardest things to work with when it comes to CG. Notice, everything cool I learned while putting this post together was about film-making itself and certainly not this series. There’s nothing in the article about making Stewart look creepy after her baby was slowly killing her from the inside or something, and I don’t mean metaphorically. If you want to read the positively riveting specifics of what the CG actually did, check out the link.

3)  Twilightians will justify their love for the series to the point of delusion.

What the Twilightians had to say

“I hate when people who haven’t read the books say they hate Twilight. The films aren’t that good, and they change a lot. The books aren’t amazing, but they’re quite good actually,” and here’s where she said something that changed my life, “It’s such a nice love story and you just don’t get that anymore.”

What I learned

The first half of what the girl said was arguably valid. I would feel the same way about Harry Potter if people who only saw the movies said they hated it. The movies change a lot and leave a lot out, so it’s fair to say you hate the films but not the series as a whole. Unless you just hate magic and adventures, then it’s safe to assume you would probably not enjoy the books either. I was really confused about what she said about the books, though. If my translation is correct, she’s saying they’re not amazingly written but that the story itself is really good.

Now, I actually read the first Twilight book and I tried to get past the lackluster writing and endless descriptions of Bella rolling from her right side to her left side to angst about Edward in different positions, but I gave up a few chapters into the second book. I’ll spare a rant, because you’ve heard it all before, Twilight hate is everywhere. My point is, though, that I saw the first film and read the first book with an open mind and still hated the crap out of both of them.

So, okay, the first half of what she said is acceptable, but the second half? It took all my strength not to jump to my feet and start beating her senseless with my purse, kick-ass old lady style. Unless by “nice love story” you mean “obsessing over a man because of his looks, or obsessing over a woman because of how she smells”, or “story where boy meets girl, boy breaks into girl’s house and watches her sleep” then she’s right, I don’t really see a lot of nice love stories about that. I do however read books and watch television and movies outside of Twilight and I am aware that there are nice love stories to be found literally everywhere. By “anymore” does she mean “between a vampire and a teenage girl’. I was downright offended by her assumption that we don’t get nice love stories anymore. I wanted to invoke my inner Elliot Stabler (Law and Order: SVU) and STABLER PUNCH the shit out of this girl.

You know what else I learned? There’s so much discourse around age-gap relationships, especially when it’s the touchy subject of a freaking teenager and an older man or woman. Apparently, though, it doesn’t matter how much older someone is so long as they appear to be near the age of the person in question.  At least in True Blood, Sookie is old enough to consent, and yes, everyone’s always falling in love with her, but only some of that is because of how she smells. The rest of it is because she’s sassy and awesome and caring.

Jesus, these girls are British, I thought they were supposed to be smart, or at least trick me into thinking what they were saying was intelligent because of their accents. Today, I mourn the loss of my innocence.


5 thoughts on “The Conversation about Twilight I Wish I Hadn’t Overheard on the Bus

  1. I can actually one up the Harry Potter bit. Last summer, I heard someone talk about how he hated Harry Potter, but he never read any of the books or watched any of the movies. He played one of the video games and thought it was boring.
    This is where I stop bothering to understand other people.

    1. Ahahaha that’s amazing. That would be like if I decided farming was an unworthy profession because I didn’t like one of the Harvest Moon games, or believed they were accurate and all farmers do is run around giving gifts to towns people to woo them into friendship or marriage…I’m actually going to write a blog post about that…

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