Today I decided that rather than save the world I would delve into the Fashion & Style section of the New York Times, which I’d never bothered with prior to today. There I stumbled upon an article about cartoon characters being used to both inspire and promote various makeup lines. What I discovered is that my mother is not the only woman above the age of twenty that adores Hello Kitty and would happily purchase mascara that had Hello Kitty on the box and possibly the mascara wand itself. Among other characters are Wonder Woman and Smurfette.
Speaking of Smurfette, it was this line of the article that so very much inspired me to do a post on it:
“It really came from me having a 2 or 3 a.m. moment when I thought, ‘What the hell happened to Smurfette?’ ” Mr. Blandino said. “I imagined where would she be at today and what would she be doing today. How would her style have evolved in a modern way?”
To answer these questions, Mr. Blandino said, he worked very closely with Sony Pictures Consumer Products (which was working with Columbia Pictures on a film that was released last year) and Lafig Belgium to stay true to the heritage of the brand.”
My first, and very astute response was, “Lol what?” When was anyone ever concerned with Smurfette’s sense of fashion? Does Smurfette have a fashion sense? If there was a Smurf cartoon made next week, it would still probably employ the age-old method of giving its character the same outfit week after week (my favorite example of this is on Dexter’s Lab when Dexter opens his closet to display the same outfit on every hanger.) Smurfette’s style would probably not have evolved very much because she was never a fashion icon of her time!
At least Mr. Blandino takes the task to answer these questions very seriously. I was worried he might not work closely with Sony Pictures Consumer Products and Lafig Belgium and then what would we be left with? Smurfette with one of those hair bumps and a spray tan? Man, where is Robot Chicken when you need it to do The Smurfsey Shore sketch we’ve all been dying to see.
Despite the absurdity of most of this article, I really am down with the getting in touch of the inner child. I love my inner child. She’s way cooler now than she was when she was actually a child and her mother wouldn’t buy her an Easy Bake Oven. Yeah, mom, I know you read this blog. It still hurts, not gonna lie. Disregarding the fact that I probably would have found a way to burn the house down or ruin every easy baked good, you should have purchased this for me! But now I no longer have to rely on my parents to buy an Easy Bake Oven or lip gloss with Smurfette on the packaging. Below I offer some characters that I do and don’t want to see featured as part of various makeup lines.
Characters I would totally purchase:
-Jem (the original and better Hannah Montana.)
-Sailor Moon and the rest of the scouts.
-Supergirl from Superman: The Animated Series (I used to watch Superman on The WB back when it was still The WB and had the best Saturday morning cartoon lineup ever. I never much cared for the Superman series because Batman: The Animated Series held my heart, which is a whole nother post. Anyway, the episodes of Superman with Supergirl were thrilling for me. When he finds her and it’s all like OMG HE’S NOT ALONE AND SHE’S AWESOME!! Ah. Love it.)
-Ivy/Harlequin (I pair these two together because one of my favorite episodes ever of the same Batman series which I mentioned above had these two villains pairing up to wreak havoc on the town, and it was great.)
-Spinelli (Coolest chick ever from Recess.)
-The Ashleys (I loved Recess and these girls taught me that “scandalous” sums up so very many things.)
-Penny (Yes, I would buy makeup with Mr. Krab’s whale daughter on it. Spongebob made me love her in the episode where she brings Spongebob to her school dance. Don’t ask.)
-Angelica (Rugrats. She was a bitch, and I love it.)
-Molly O (I’m the only person in the world who seems to remember Generation O, another great cartoon on the WB. The lead singer from Letters to Cleo sang all of Molly O’s music. I loved the shit out of that show.)
-Jade from the Jackie Chan Adventures show on the WB was also excellent. And so adorable.
Characters I definitely would not purchase:
-Misty (Pokemon. Get over the bike already. Seriously.)
-Batgirl (unlike Supergirl I was just not a fan. Can’t for the life of me remember why, though. But grudges, no matter how random, inexplicable, or old, die hard.)
-Jesse (Pokémon was not a breeding ground for cool cartoon women.)
-Relena Peacecraft (Gundam Wing was one of my favorite shows when it aired on Toonami, which was the greatest thing ever ever ever. Even though Relena got arguably better as the series progressed, I will never understand shouting for a boy to come and kill you and all the weird shit she did during the first part of the show.)
-Gretchen (Ug. A chick from Recess who I was not a fan of.)
-Vicky (Icky Vicky from Fairly Odd Parents. She’s a great character, but would I buy mascara with her on it? Probs not.)
-Helga (Hey Arnold fame. The unibrow would turn me off from makeup, but again, a great character.)
-All of the women from Dragon Ball Z except for 18, which might not count because she was an android for awhile and then became human or something. Whatever, Bulma and Chi-Chi were useless.
-Sandy (Spongebob. It’s not that I don’t like her…it’s just that she wears a spacesuit. Penny would look way cuter on my lip gloss, just saying.)
I’m sure I could go on like this for awhile. But instead I ask, would you want to buy makeup with your favorite character on it? What characters would you want to see? Dudes, don’t feel ashamed to answer whether or not you wear makeup. Maybe in makeup’s place we can put deodorant or cologne or something. Or man-makeup whatever that may be. I don’t know, but I don’t want to alienate any male readers. So you could basically just take this as an opportunity to write about cartoons you like, that’d be cool.