I have never been one of those girls who fantasizes about her future wedding. I don’t have a type of dress in mind, or a color scheme, or a theme, whatever. I have friends who know exactly what they want, while I’m thinking that eloping sounds good because then I don’t have to actually plan shit, and I can go to Vegas, get wasted, and get married in one of those weird Elvis Chapels. So I guess maybe my future wedding excites me if it’s a weird, sort of ironic, television cliché that involves alcohol and shenanigans.
But today I was browsing The Frisky and came across this, which told me that now some people are choosing to have tiered cheese selections instead of (or in addition to) their wedding cake. I want peanut-butter pumpkin wedding cake (long story) AND a tiered cheese platter. But that’s where the fantasy ends. With me and some mystery man who is really funny and tall and likes television (A LOT) eating a lot of cheese and cake.
But that still doesn’t solve all my other issues of why I don’t want a normal wedding.
Weddings are fucking a lot of work, and I just don’t get what for. Now, please note that I mean I don’t get the point when it comes to myself. I can totally see how other people would feel it’s really special to celebrate their love and future with their friends and family by their side and a whole day that’s about them. This is by no means meant to be a post criticizing anyone’s love for more traditional weddings, nothing assholey like that, just me making fun of my own craziness regarding the matter. Because for me this day would just be really stressful, uncomfortable, tiring, and ultimately the wrong way for me to celebrate.
I don’t want to say my vows in front of other people. I’ve written semi-mushy facebook statuses about boyfriends in the past, and I always feel kind of gross after. I don’t really give a crap if Priest-Dressed-As-Elvis hears me tell the groom the reasons why I stuck around and that he is awesome (I’m assuming it has something to do with some sort of bond over video games, the gym, and burritos) but the thought of a room full of all my loved ones creeps me out. It taps into all my issues regarding intimacy, privacy, PDA, and attention.
My brain also works in this weird way where I only want to do things when I see a point to them. I don’t get pleasure out of doing things for no reason. Even television for me has the point of me blogging about it, talking about it with friends, being entertained. A wedding for me only has the purpose of gifts, but then I realize we’d be spending a lot of money on a wedding. So if I just saved money on a wedding, I could buy a goddamn toaster myself…
In my mind, what I’d want out of a wedding is for it to be about me and my future husband celebrating our love, together, not worrying about if people are having fun, why isn’t anyone dancing, is the food good, did I make my bridesmaids look too stupid, did I seat everyone appropriately, blah blah blah. I liked the wedding in The Vow because it was just them, a few friends, at a museum or something (whatever the fuck, the where doesn’t really matter), and their vows were on the backs of menus. It was ridiculous, simple, and sweet. Which oddly enough almost describes me—if you only use the word ridiculous.
The honeymoon, though? That I get. Except there better not be any of fucking stressful running around bullshit going on. I want at least some of these things: a beach, a pool, wine, a hot tub, waterfalls, beautiful scenery and places to stroll hand in hand while we talk about how we’re going to adopt a dog soon, and really nice fluffy, white bathrobes (those always look really good in the movies.) We’ll lounge around, quote South Park, and consummate our love or whatever (my parents read this, so I try to kind of dance around that vital part of any future romance I’ll partake in for more than 10 minutes. Although, to be fair, my mother told me before going off to college that she was glad I’d lost my virginity already so I didn’t have to worry about that in college. Truefacts. So really I could probably write anything here and they’d just be like, “lol, Aer, you cray cray.”)
I don’t want a big, romantic proposal. I also don’t want a big wedding. So what the fuck do I want?
To be treated like a scared animal. I swear to G-O-D if a guy got all dramatic on me in the middle of a restaurant and pulled out a ring or anything public/cliché/over-the-top I would bust out laughing because that’s what I do when I’m uncomfortable. It’s happened before to many guys before future husband. But he will be smarter, better, wiser. He’ll do it while we’re eating breakfast or something really innocuous, and I’ll just be like, cool, yeah, and then be like, “I hope you didn’t spend a lot of money on a ring, because that would be ill-advised. Put that shit towards a honeymoon and/or buying me The Sims 5 and all the expansion packs.” In this universe the most important fact is that they are on The Sims 5 at this point. I hope that also becomes reality as much as this future awesome guy. Don’t worry, even though it’s a chill proposal, we won’t do anything idiotic like high-five or fist bump, that would be embarrassing. Because he didn’t weird me out, I’ll be really pleased about this proposal, but I’ll narrow my eyes suspiciously and be like, “But you don’t want a big wedding ,or even a small wedding; you just want to elope some place awesome, right?” And he’ll be like, “Actually, I wanted at least 4,000 people at the wedding. JUST KIDDING fuck that noise.”
I know it’s asking a lot. To find a man who likes video games, food, and television and who doesn’t feel comfortable being mushy. But somehow I think I can find it.