Just Order a Pizza

good sex > pizza > bad sex. It's all so clear. Thanks to http://fuckyeahpizza.tumblr.com/post/19913912203 for the image.

Last night I wrote an offhand response to something a friend wrote on her facebook wall, but then I realized it was actually legitimate, wise advice and that I actually could drop some knowledge on the world. This is a rare occurrence for me, so you’ll have to excuse my excitement.

Friend’s status: Something something that leads into the cliché, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

My response: That should come with a disclaimer that says ‘get under someone else who is more talented. Otherwise just order a pizza.

Snarky as ever, I was mostly kidding, until I realized how serious this was. Getting under someone who is worse in bed than your last person just makes matters worse. I can only speak from personal experience, but every time that’s happened to me I’m left with that ewwww feeling that makes my skin crawl. You mean I got out of that/got dumped so that this could happen? UG NO WHAT FUCK! And, yeah, if it’s a one night stand, you’re not going to really be able to test the waters before diving in. Unless they’re a bad kisser, then you run damn it, you run and order that pizza.

Rebounds can be awesome, really most things can be awesome as long as you’re not doing them out of desperation. If you need to go sleep with someone to validate yourself after someone’s hurt you, go order that fucking pizza. I’m not saying go cry and eat ice-cream every night, because that is also dumb, and you want to look as foxy as you can next time you run into the ex, not feeling even worse about yourself. But eating some delicious pizza in place of one night of desperately trying to hook up is worth its weight in both gold and your dignity.

Because you know the best way to get over someone? Stop giving a shit. It takes time, but I swear, you can do it. There is nothing more frustrating to them and more appealing to the next person who you’re gonna start banging than if you just don’t give a fuck. Breakups are going to hurt, so, yeah, get upset, get sad, cry, whatever. Talk to some friends. But also, hide that shit 85% of the time. Two of my friends just went through really heartbreaking breakups, and yeah, they’ll open up about it, but do they go out acting like desperate idiots? No. Do they sit around whining about how they’ll never find anyone again? No. But you know what? They both already have guys lining up for them because they are keeping that desperate nonsense on lockdown. I’m pretty sure neither of them have actually “gotten under” anyone new either.

I hate this phrase not because it makes it sound like you have to fuck someone to get over someone, because I get that it could just mean making out with someone new, but I hate it because it seems to say that you can’t possibly get over someone by being alone and having a date with yourself. What is that you say, Ariel, go order a pizza and watch some 30 Rock with yourself? That is so fly of you. Because, no, I do not think the best way to handle a breakup, whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, is to immediately find someone new. I am sick of people refusing to take time to reflect and love themselves and all that other stuff that sounds like bullshit but is actually really healthy.

And I am telling you, liking yourself so much that you want to actually spend time alone with yourself, that’s when the magic happens. Just ask every sucker perfectly nice guy that’s been interested in me this year. Yeah, I don’t really get it either, because I was just dividing my time between researching how electricity works because I still am under the impression “magic” is the correct answer and playing neopets, but I guess that’s some kind of turn-on for some dudes, whatever. I also really just want me to myself because we find each other funny, we like do the same things, we are both dealing with a lot of emotional stuff in regards to Grey’s Anatomy, and we like to talk about puppies and Harvest Moon.

I wasn’t always like this. In fact I was the opposite. I was all about needing to date to feel validated, totally insulted and bent out of shape when a guy wasn’t interested, but now…I don’t know. I just have a million other things besides “love” that I’m really excited about. There are big things like getting to work in Seattle for six weeks this summer, my family meeting me in London this weekend, my cousin coming the week after and hanging out in both London and then Gibraltar with me, and finally going to Ireland with two girls I’ve been lucky enough to get to know while being in England. Then there are the little things like keeping up-to-date on what’s going on in the world, my current internship, this place that has amazing milkshakes, working out, finally getting the first two-thirds of my novel in order so I can move on to the last part, updating this blog, and about two million other things. Now when I want a guy, I just go for it, and if he’s not into me, I’m here to catch my own fall.

So, no, I’m not sympathetic anymore when people whine about needing to find someone new, because that right there is your first problem. Stop needing someone. Anyone. Because really the person you need is you, everything and everyone else is just icing on the cake. Put the slutty dress down, throw your desperation in the trash. Go order a fucking pizza and think of some god damned reasons you’re cool. Because if guys want to date me, an emotionally crippled asshole who has cereal crumbs all over her bed (and not even good cereal, fucking fruit & fiber cereal) then literally anyone can find someone who thinks they are the shit.


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