Dear annoying girl on her phone at Starbucks,
It all starts innocently enough. You are alone drinking coffee, texting on your phone so as to lessen the lameitude you are feeling but really shouldn’t be feeling because there is no shame in taking some you time at Starbucky-bucks. Suddenly, though, texting isn’t enough for you, and the only thing that will ease your loneliness is a phone call. Or three. Believe me, I’d get it if you answered or made a phone call that was short and to the point, conveying some sort of important information like, “Sell the stocks for waffles and buy more for cheese,” (is that how the stock market works, I’m not really clear on that) or “I’m also sad about grandma’s passing, but at least the sandwich platter at her funeral was delicious. Yes, the best to you and all your endeavors as well, Aunt Marjorie.”
I don’t mind the usual chatter at coffee shops, that’s part of the reason I gravitate to them. Like me some background noise while I’m writing! But you’re louder than anyone in here who is actually talking to real life people who is breathing and everything. We’re not even sure there’s someone at the other end of the phone listening to you prattle on about your drunken exploits or your hair. Have you no self-awareness? How can you possibly not realize that you’re more annoying than when megavideo got shut down?
To anyone out there reading this open letter, let this be a lesson to you all. Starbucks is a breeding ground for bloggers both successful and unsuccessful alike, and we love nothing more than to rant about the shit other people do. So next time you’re about to hit the green button on your phone to take or make that phone call, think about how loud you’re speaking and if what you’re talking about is fucking stupid or not.
As I sit here typing this letter to you, dear, sweet, obnoxious girl next to me, your friend has just arrived, and you have just said, “Well, Kate just got here, so it’s rude I’m still on the phone with you.” No, honey, it’s been rude all along, and you suck. I have a bad feeling that you and Kate will prove no quieter or less stupid. May the force be with you.
Ps. You and Kate need to stop talking about how you haven’t shaved your legs in three days while putting said legs up on your table. People drink coffee off that table, coffee. FOR SHAME!