Inappropriate Responses (That You’re Probably Thinking) Part 1

Sometimes I really have to stop and ask myself if what I’m about to say is an appropriate response or not. Perhaps some of these below are specific to myself, but I have a feeling that’s not the case for most of these.

Thank god I didn’t say that out loud. I deserve some sort of chocolate treat for that kind of restraint.

“Do you want to go out for coffee today?” 

Inappropriate response: “I would really just rather we skip that and go straight to the sex because we have hung out without boning a bunch of times, and that is all well and good, but seriously, sex please?”

The response you go with: “Sure that sounds like a delight. Just a delight!”

“Why do you hate me?”

Inappropriate response: “Don’t worry, I mostly hate everyone because people are the worst. But you specifically are really just terrible.”

The response you go with: “I don’t hate you! OMG why would you say such ridiculous statements of ridiculousness?”

“Do you ever watch porn?”

Inappropriate response: “Like every day. What, you don’t? It’s awesome!”

The response you go with: “Ha! Only as a hilarious joke or out of some perverse curiosity Only pervert heathens would partake in such filth.”

“Are you mad at me?”

Inappropriate response: “Yes, you fucking fuck up. I am so mad at you right now because of the shit you have just done or said. I want to punch your face multiple times until it soothes my fury.”

The response you go with: “Totes not. I am super cool and chillaxed! Tell all your friends how cool I am! Spread the word about my chilltude! KAY?”

“Why did you two break up?” (Part 1)

Inappropriate response: “Because so-and-so was a total fackwad of fuckwadage. They were bad in bed/a terrible kisser/thought the Lost finale was the best thing since toast/hates puppies/are the Antichrist combined with poop flavored jelly beans.”

The response you go with: “They were a lovely human being of pure joy and rainbows. Butterflies and sparkles aflew whenever they walked by. But, alas, we simply lost that wondrous spark.”

“Why did you two break up?” (Part 2)

Inappropriate response: “Because they broke my heart of hearts. It was soul-crushing, embarrassing, and traumatic. I cried for days. I can’t even watch commercials about pet food without crying because it reminds me of the pet we never had but COULD have had. Oh my god, here come the tears again! Can I use your shirt to dry my eyes?”

The response you go with: “It was mutual. We just became two different people, ya know? Nothing humiliating to see here, move along.”