Here at Apathetic Chipmunk, I don’t only talk about important topics like food and television, I also occasionally talk about dating and annoying people at Starbucks. Remember that Just Order a Pizza post? Probably not unless you’re one of my parents and you read this blog all the time. Today I thought it was about time that I finally did some myth-busting over here about a Very Special Topic: Nice Guys.
“Nice guys finish last” is a very popular, very bullshitty explanation for when “nice” guys can’t get laid someone to date them. Guys who use this line to illuminate why they have little to no success with women are also the same guys who probably assume they have to beat up the school’s bully or win some sort of drag race (just to be clear, I mean cars, not RuPaul’s Drag Race) to get a girl interested.
Yeah, us girls fall for dicks all the time, and guys fall for bitches. We all understand this, it happens. But the thing is, we all usually rationalize our feelings for these people because of those glimmers of kindness that come through. Also it’s not really the fact that these people are jerks that gets us interested, it’s usually the fact that we don’t feel like they need us to get through the day, and that’s appealing.
Just because you are a “nice guy” doesn’t mean that you aren’t clingy, needy, passive aggressive, underhandedly mean, or act like you’re entitled to something just because you see yourself in this light.
As an actual girl who has a lot of female friends, I can personally attest to upwards of a billion stories where girls fall for a guy because of the genuinely nice things he does for her because he’s a good person. If that spark of attraction’s there and a girl’s on the fence, doing sweet things for her is going to tip the scale in your favor. I’m fairly certain I turned into a cartoon character with hearts in her eyes when the other night this guy came over at one in the morning and got rid of a bug for me. Yeah, I know, I’m melting just thinking about it, and for once I’m not being sarcastic.
We girls like nice guys. A lot. We just don’t like guys who have to remind us (repeatedly) that they’re nice.
Possible explanations for why a girl Isn’t into a “nice guy”
1. She’s not attracted to you physically. And if you, “nice guy”, dare tell me that there isn’t a “nice girl” out there that you wouldn’t pass up because you’re not attracted to her, you’re a lying liar who eats sugar-frosted-lies for breakfast.
I’m sorry you don’t have the option to wear makeup or push-up bras, but you could go to the gym, smell good, rescue animals, and other things that make the ladies think you’re a fox.
2. She can totally fucking tell that you’re not really a “nice guy” or her friend. Yeah, you can fool us for awhile into thinking you’re our friend, but eventually we realize that the only reason you’re being so damn nice is because you want something from us. And that’s annoying. It’s completely understandable if you’re not interested in our friendship, but when you actively strategize and decide to get close to us in hopes of something more happening, it’s stupid. No one feels bad for you when that doesn’t work out.
Look, I get that this is kind of a grey area, because we all put our best foot forward when it comes to dating and doing nice things for people. But if you’re going into a friendship with this mindset that eventually you’ll get something out of it presumably sexually, and then when you do all these nice things and feel taken advantage of, it’s kind of your own fault. If you’re already dating the girl and you’re treating her well because you’re into her, that’s genuine. It’s not genuine, again, if you’re just doing it to manipulate her. You’re not a nice guy either, but you’ll probably repeatedly tell us you are.
3. You don’t understand personal hygiene.
4. We don’t think you’re interested in us because you’re too shy to even give us special attention if you’re interested, and you treat us like we’re just any friend. We’re not mind readers. You may actually be a genuinely nice guy, but that’s not the explanation for why a girl doesn’t notice you or isn’t interested in this case. Don’t hide behind that, sorry.
5. You have whined to us about how no girls are interested in you. It’s one thing to be vulnerable and sensitive sometimes, but when you tell us this stuff to try to elicit pity or some weird confession that really we’re into you, we’re most likely just going to pity you. Or if we were interested, after hearing that we may question what we saw in you if so many other girls are apparently running for the hills in response to your advances.
6. Timing. Sometimes a girl can find you attractive, and you can actually be a nice guy, but her heart was just broken or she’s not interested in dating right now or whatever. It really isn’t always about you.
7. You’re a whiny loser. Stop being a whiny loser. It’s actually really easy. Stop whining. Get a job, any job. Get some interests outside masturbation and video games. Both of those things are awesome, but you have to actually do something that’s not on your couch once in awhile.
Bonus advice: in order to not seem like a “nice guy”, don’t arbitrarily decline doing nice things for the girl you like, are dating, or is your full-blown girlfriend just so she doesn’t lose interest. An ex once told me he did this because he was worried I’d think he was too nice. This just made me think he was a fuckwad. If you’re dating me you know I like to play stupid facebook games, okay? So by telling me you won’t click my sims link or something that takes two seconds, I just lose interest in sleeping with you. If I like a guy enough to date/hang out with him for a prolonged period of time, I love doing any nice things for him that I can within reason, so this kind of anti-nice-guy game-playing just makes my brain hurt and my vagina dry.
Good luck out there, people. And may the odds be ever in your favor when it comes to dating.
Apathetic Chipmunk 
Point #3 is my favorite lol.
I do so hate those stupid beliefs that Disney Channel so efficiently depicts, where apparently every single guy/girl has the same desires and so doing this one thing will “guarantee” a shot.
Thank you for this.
Disney Channel is one of the biggest culprits!
Glad you enjoyed the post 🙂
My favorite pts. were #3 and #7. I also really liked your Just order pizza post.
Awww thank you!!
Some good points, but I swear when I intentionally started acting like a jerk I started having more luck with the ladies. 🙂 Also, it was always the ladies telling me, “Stop being so nice”. You an inexplicable lot! Haha.
Hey, someone more verbose than me has finally laid out some sensible views about nice guys. You’re not entitled to poon because you’re being ‘nice’. You’re not going to get poon if you’re not confident or interesting. Also it helps to have the whole ‘hygeine’ thing down. Excellently written.
This should be required reading for every guy between 15 and 25. If they’re past 25, it’s too late. Sometimes when I see college guys I just want to slap them in the face, and tell them these things. But they’d never listen to me. They’d probably listen to you. Maybe you should start a talk show?